Week 1

Code:
Rank Team                W L  Points
 1.  Blitzers            1-0   83.95 
 2.  Rosenhaus sucks     1-0   78.03 
 3.  The Real Dolls      1-0   71.08
 4.  n00bs               1-0   60.04
 5.  TeaBaggersRus       1-0   58.39
 6.  Pokeys              1-0   57.82
 7.  Gridiron Gorians    1-0   55.07
 8.  PowderPuffs         0-1   51.44
 9.  Fancy Prancer       0-1   51.23
10.  Lucky Bitches       0-1   49.57
11.  Shellshock          0-1   44.22
12.  The Christ Punchers 0-1   32.34
13.  Flaming Merkins     0-1   29.91
14.  The Misfits         0-1   27.45
Deokoria’s Misfits vs Toron’s Rosenhaus Sucks

Utter humiliation was unleashed as RS sucked the life out of the lamentable Misfits. In their second season the Misfits got off to their typical slow start by posting a league worst 27.45 points. Their star player, Plaxico Burress, was the only one to even flirt with 10 points (9.8). RS could have waltzed to an easy victory, but they chose to send a message to the rest of the league by way of a 50.58 point monkey stomp. Their 78.03 points on the arm of Brees (12.28) and legs of Dillon (16.65) and Barber (12.10) put then solidly in second place in the standings, right between Isaviel and Aelyn (a fine place to be nestled). Next week RS looks to continue their dominance against the third place Dolls, and the Misfits try to redeem themselves against the fourth place Noobs.

Isaviel’s Blitzers VS Falix’s Powder Puffs

Anyone remember the dominance of the Puffs last season? Not after this game! The Blitzers burst onto the field this season led by 21 point efforts from Kerry Collins and Lindell, the kicker for the Texans. Their 83.95 points were the best of the week and were easily enough to defeat the Puffs who put up a meager 51.44. One has to wonder what the Puffs management was doing in the off-season. Maybe they forgot that the bench was for their worst players, and they were supposed to start their best talent. Their only good move was putting the broken down Bus (Bettis) on the bench. The rest of their bench put up 80.52 points, and gave the Puffs an optimal score of 106.12 (easily enough to have beaten anyone else’s optimal). Being the only team that would have won playing their optimal players must be rough on the once mighty Puffs, oh how they have fallen. The first place Blitzers look to stay on top as they face the 13th place Merkins. In other action, the Puffs will search for a shred of manhood as they face the seventh place Gorians.

Wrent’s Lucky Bitches VS Aelyn’s Real Dolls

The Bitches got the most out of their players, and were only 2.4 points from their optimal. Unfortunately for them the performance didn’t break 50 (49.57). It seems the coaches are doing all they can with the talent that has been recruited. We can only hope that management will do something to bring some athletes to the team. The Dolls, on the other hand, rode the arm of Payton Manning (16.98) and the legs of the Steelers’ Parker (16.45) to a net of 71.08 points and third place after week one. The Dolls look to climb a notch as they face RS next week, and the Bitches try to avoid a familiar feeling as they face the fifth place TeaBaggers.

Gadiantor’s Gridiron Gorians VS Vin’s Fancy Prancer

In the battle of the mediocre the Gorians edged out the Prancers by less than five points, earning a 55.07 to 51.23 victory. The best player for the Gorians was the Prancer’s own Pennington, who’s ball handling skills were reminiscent of a virgin giving her first handjob, putting up -6.72 points. The Gorians were lucky to end up in the top half of the standings, hanging on to seventh, while the Prancers aren’t far behind, in ninth. Next week the Gorians will be facing the highest scoring week one loser in the Puffs, while the Prancers try to dance around the 12th place Punchers.

Wyden’s Flaming Merkins VS Pyryth’s Pokeys

Coming out of retirement the coach of the Merkins looked to leave a mark in his first game back. A mark certainly was left, in the form of a 29.91 point steaming pile of crap. It didn’t help that Culpepper (-6.74) had the worst game of his career, but it’ll take quite a bit to convince the other coaches that the Merkins won’t be going down in flames every week under obviously rusty management. The Pokeys had little trouble sticking it to the Merkins, coasting to victory with 57.82 points. Next up for the sixth place Pokeys are the eleventh place Shock, while the next to last place Merkins try not to get sacked by the Blitz.

Drasoini’s Shellshock VS Yarzin’s TeaBaggersRus

The Shock got out to a slow start, posting only 44.22 points against a Baggers team that relied on kicking (Scobee, 18) and defense (Washington, 14) to lead the way to their 58.39 point trip to fifth place. The Baggers don’t look to have much competition next week as they look to brew something in the mouths of the Bitches, and the Shock face the average looking Pokeys.

Bael’s Noobs VS Serith’s Christ Punchers

Some are saying the Noobs are enjoying some beginners luck as they torched an uncharacteristically anemic Punchers team. The final score of 60.04 to 32.34 surprised most analysts who expected far more out of the heavily touted Punchers. Next week the Punchers look to get back on track as they face the Prancers, and the Noobs look to continue the losing ways of the Misfits.