Three of my fondest memories of my last visit to the US (early september 2001) were scientology related. In fact I had a whole scientological day.

In the morning I was intrigued by the sign "FREE [blah blah blah]" and being a cheap bastard immediately rushed to see what I was getting for nothing. It turned out to be a.. err.. museum.. or exhibition of sorts. Anyway it was called something like "The myth of psychology" or somesuch thing. It was an awesome scientology funded museum type exhibition which destroyed psychology in general. It was cool, and I had a fun hour or two there learning about electro-shock therapy and the awful drugs psychologists use to destroy our children and so forth. And that the scientologists have much better ways to treat mental problems than any poxy psychologist has. ("OOOOH you think you're so clever with your poncey 7 years of studying! I have 8 months and $29,487 of scientology training! I KNOW what I'm talking about! Now let me tell you how you too can become 'clear', do you have a credit card by the way....")

After leaving that fantastic free place I strolled out again into the gorgeous September Los Angeles sun. I strolled another block or two until a charming young lady dressed in a delightful manner beckoned me over and made me a proposition I'm very glad I didn't decline. After some In and Out (I was hungry) I took her up on her proposition, and went to the L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition and the world Scientology headquarters.

I suspect that particular tour has ended now. If it hasn't, I urge you to go. It's better than Jesus. It was an awesome tour. It was funny before it even began really. The tour guide was an old german woman. In our massive tour group of 4, there happened to be a native american with a bit of hispanic in him. He spoke perfect English, but didn't look 'American' enough for the tour guide. The old german nutter asked him about 8 times whether he could understand. His English was substantially better than hers.

Anyway.. we toured around.. it was fantastic. We learned about how he was a warhero, the first to discover this, the first to discover that, we had the Battlefield Earth animatronic display and all that gloriousness. It was truly fantastic. The people working there really seemed to admire Mr. Hubbard.

After hours[minutes] and hours[minutes] of buildup (I REALLY enjoy crap like this) we got to the grand finale. Some fantastic impressive almost imperial sounding pompous piece of classical music displayed whilst we stared at a wall covered in accolades, awards, plaques, diplomas and so forth, all awarded to the late great Cupboard.

Then.. the walls parted! and another wall behind appeared.. covered in awards, plaques, diplomas and so forth, all awarded to some scifi writer.

Then the wall split again! to reveal another wall covered in awards, pla.. crap. Then the wall split again, the music built to a tremendous climax and a handsome, refined, slightly enigmatic yet delightfully benevolent portrait of Mr. Con Cupboard was revealed.. and proceeded to propel itself forward towards us. I was awestruck. I REALLY love tacky crap like this. I was lost for words.

The music faded, the lights went up, Ron continued to grin at us, and the tour guide asked us how we liked it. I realised then we were in a giftshop/bookshop. I told her honestly. "It was awesome! Can I get one of your bible things?".. she told me I could. But then I found out I have to pay for it. What a crock. The christians give out free bibles all the time, bloody scientologists want like $20 for their crappy religion.

My love for Scientology faded almost as quickly as it arrived.

The third instance that day was on my way home. I saw a sign for "FREE[blah blah blah]" and obviously rushed over. It was for an IQ test! woo hoo!

Anyway there was a bit of a mixup. The stupid scientology center (yet another one..) was closing shortly, and they 'accidently' gave me the personality test instead of the IQ test. Which I took. After many many questions they told me "You [blah blah blah cut out] would benefit from going on THESE scientology classes, and buying this book[Dianetics]". Bah. I was getting sick of scientology by then.

-tharun