Hilarious, as always

[Arrgruff]

Bill Simmons, the Most Entertaining Writer in Sports.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/041217

[Aristotle]

Great article as always. My favorite:

(Note: When Violet started officiating a few years ago, she was so incompetent, players and coaches actually avoided arguing with her -- whenever she screwed up, they would always glance around helplessly, the same way you would if your puppy dropped a deuce on the living room carpet. But now she's been around for a few years and people are fed up. On Monday night, Doc Rivers was one bad Violet call away from ending up in a white Bronco with Al Cowlings. I love this stuff.)

[Shadarach]

Q: I just turned 18, and I'm curious as to whether or not there is a list of rules I should abide by when making my first porn purchase. Do I make eye contact with the guy ringing me up? Is there a discreet manner in which people are supposed to pay? I'm struggling here, this is unchartered territory for me. Any suggestions?
--Danny S., Danbury, CT


SG: Rent a regular movie as well, so you don't seem like a pervert. Wait until there's nobody at the counter. Move as quickly as possible. Don't make eye contact. Don't speak unless spoken to. Try to have exact change. Don't wear a raincoat. And if there's a female behind the counter, abort the mission.


(Note: I subscribe to Adam Carolla's theory on this one -- namely, that men need the same luxury for porn rentals as women get for Brazilian bikini waxes. Notice how women invariably get waxed by someone who doesn't speak any English? Even though it's a potentially humilating event, it's almost like it doesn't count as a human interaction, right? Can you have an interaction when two people can't understand one another? Probably not. The same should go for strip club bouncers and people working behind the counter at a video store. They shouldn't speak a word of English. Don't worry, this is on Carolla's Presidential platform for 2008.)

This too was wise and funny, funny and wise.