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To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be
reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour; skipping the letter
U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell doughnut without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter Z (pronounced zed not zee) and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix burgh is
pronounced burra (e.g. Edinburgh). You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more bleeps in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
language, then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will
also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas
such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in
calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires (e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire).

4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will
no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American football but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls game called
Rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. (Merde is French for Shit.) The 97.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2 nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive
Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut
and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer,
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly
known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser Company,
whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st, 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled
only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation