Premium Fantasy Football '04

[vin]

Originally posted by Isaviel
*Blitzers stand in shock over the corpse of the Buttheads and thinks oO(Did I do that?)*

Enjoy the win. You haven't had all that many lately!
Just don't forget to cheer for me when the playoffs start.

[aelyn]

Gotta suck scoring 110+ and still having the really really distinct possibility of losing :P

[Gadiantor]

Originally posted by aelyn
Gotta suck scoring 110+ and still having the really really distinct possibility of losing :P

That's how my season has been. If I lose this game after putting up what should be a new record for points in a week it just puts an exclamation point on my season as 'Murphy's Team'.

[Gadiantor]

#10 Gadiantor’s Gridiron Gorians VS #1 Falix’s Powderpuffs

Words cannot do justice to the record setting explosion of firepower that fans witnessed from the Gorians and Puffs this week. The previous record for points in a week was 108.

Gridiron Gorians (3-9-0)
 Pos	Player                   Opp  Status    Pts
 QB  A. Brooks (NO - QB)      @Atl L, 24-21  14.28
 WR  M. Harrison (Ind - WR)   @Det W, 41-9   24.35
 WR  E. Moulds (Buf - WR)     @Sea W, 38-9    4.65
 WR  R. Moss (Min - WR)       Jac  W, 27-16   8.00
 RB  R. Droughns (Den - RB)   Oak  L, 25-24   8.85
 RB  D. Blaylock (KC - RB)    SD   L, 34-31  15.90
 TE  A. Crumpler (Atl - TE)   NO   W, 24-21  11.15
 K   J. Feely (Atl - K)       NO   W, 24-21   6.00
 DEF Indianapolis (Ind - DEF) @Det W, 41-9   17.00
                                      Total 110.18
		
 PowderPuffs (10-2-0)
 Pos Player                   Opp  Status    Pts
 QB  P. Manning (Ind - QB)    @Det W, 41-9   40.92
 WR  I. Bruce (StL - WR)      @GB  L, 45-17  10.50
 WR  D. Driver (GB - WR)      StL  W, 45-17  10.25
 WR  A. Davis (Cle - WR)      @Cin L, 58-48   0.00
 RB  C. Martin (NYJ - RB)     @Ari W, 13-3    4.95
 RB  B. Westbrook (Phi - RB)  @NYG W, 27-6   18.35
 TE  A. Gates (SD - TE)       @KC  W, 34-31  16.60
 K   S. Janikowski (Oak - K)  @Den W, 25-24   1.00
 DEF Philadelphia (Phi - DEF) @NYG W, 27-6   18.00
                                      Total 120.57

This game epitomizes each teams season thus far. The Puffs remain dominant while the Gorians can’t get a win no matter how well they score.

#6 Xenoroyal’s New York GiMets VS #4 Serith’s Christ Punchers

Setting another record for the week, the Punchers (8-4) were the third team to score over 100 points, turning in a 107.73 to 71.24 trouncing of the GiMets (6-6). The win keeps the Punchers steadily in the fourth and final playoff spot, while the GiMets will need a lot of help down the stretch to make it to the dance from eighth place.

#5 Pyryth’s Pokeys VS #7 Deokoria’s Misfits

Don’t call it a comeback! The Misfits (7-5) rose up and put the smack down on the favored Pokeys (6-6), recording a 77.36 to 54.15 victory and creeping up into the number five spot. The Pokeys are left in desperate shape as they now sit in seventh.

#2 Vin’s Buttheads VS #8 Isaviel’s Blitzat1

Wait...There must be a mistake...Somebody double check this for me...It’s no mistake, the Blitz (7-5) stole a win away from the Buttheads (8-4)! Winning 60.71 to 53.05 the Blitz keep their playoff hopes alive by moving up to sixth, while the Buttheads fall to third, and have to be a bit concerned.

#11 Sebboe’s Seizuredogs VS #3 Liathano’s Discovery Channel

The final record setting event of the week was the Dogs (2-10) proving that you don’t have to be good to set records. They left a steamy loaf on the front yard of league headquarters this morning in the form of an 18.82 showing. To do that bad you have to have left a few slots open, or played a couple of injured guys, right? Nope. Everyone on the Dogs team posted positive points, from Rattay (.07) to their shining star of the week Gonzalez (5.25). It’s hard not to win when your opponent sucks that much, and DC came through with 88.30 points to win and move into second. The most pitiful showing in fantasy football history has appropriately left the Dogs in DFL.

#9 Drasoini’s Shellshock VS DFL Wrent’s Lucky Bitches

Hey, I guess there was another game this week...Bitches won, moved up to 11th. The Shock are still in ninth.

[Gadiantor]

#4 Serith’s Christ Punchers (8-4) VS #2 Liathano’s Discovery Channel (8-4)

This heated rivalry takes on huge playoff implications this week. The winner will control their own destiny while the loser will have serious competition for the last playoff spot. In week two It was the Punchers over DC, but both teams have shown explosive capability and the match up is looking dead even. The only prediction we’ll make is that the outcome will add fuel to the fire for next year’s grudge match.

#1 Falix’s PowderPuffs (10-2) VS #5 Deokoria’s Misfits (7-5)

The Puffs clinch the first cede with a win, while the Misfits are playing to stay alive in the playoff race. We predict another shootout with the Puffs continuing to dominate, Puffs by 20.

#6 Isaviel’s Blitzat1 (7-5) VS #11 Wrent’s Lucky Bitches (3-9)

The Blitz need this win to stay in the playoff hunt, while the Bitches are just playing for what little pride they have left. In week two it was the Blitz by five. We stick with that call for this week’s game.

#7 Pyryth’s Pokeys (6-6) VS #3 Vin’s Buttheads (8-4)

The Pokeys have the slimmest of chances to make the playoffs. To make it they need a win over the Buttheads. The Blitz did it last week, so it’s not out of the question. Another loss for the Buttheads would put them in serious jeopardy. We’re going to call the Buttheads by 5.

#9 Drasoini’s Shellshock (4-8) VS #8 Xenoroyal’s New York GiMets (6-6)

Ok, the GiMets aren’t technically out of the playoffs yet. A miraculous series of events could unfold that leads to them still getting in. So, if you’re a GiMets fan, a win this week keeps them alive. The Shock have absolutely nothing to play for, and have put up the fewest points of any team this season. In an almost meaningless game we’re calling the GiMets by 10.

#10 Gadiantor’s Gridiron Gorians (3-9) VS DFL Sebboe’s Seizuredogs (2-10)

In the most meaningless game of the week we have a team that just finished putting up the second most points in a single game, only to lose to a team setting the record fort he most, against a team that just set the record for fewest points in a game. Last time these teams met it was the Dogs who came out on top. We’re picking the Gorians to take revenge by posting a 30 point victory, and making them the most meaningless Lock of the Week!

[Gadiantor]

Team        Makes Playoffs if...

Puffs*      Clinched playoff spot!
            Clinches first Cede if...
            Win one (Misfits, Dogs)

DC*         Win out (Punchers, Shock) or
            Win one, AND maintain point lead (170 to give)**

Buttheads*  Win out (Pokeys, Misfits) or
            Win one, AND maintain point lead (147 to give)**

Punchers*   Win out (DC, Gorians) or
            Win one, AND maintain point lead (92 to give)**

Misfits     Win out (Puffs, Buttheads) AND 
                one of the following:
            DC loses out or
            DC loses one AND
                Misfits gain 170 points on DC or
            Buttheads lose out or
            Buttheads lose one AND
                Misfits gain 147 points on Buttheads or
            Punchers lose out or
            Punchers lose one AND
                Misfits gain 92 points on Punchers
            Additional possibilities exist, but require
            more help from other teams

Blitz       Win out (Bitches, GiMets) AND 
                one of the following:
            Misfits lose one AND
                one of the below conditions or
            Misfits win out AND
                Blitz gain 44 points on Misfits AND
                one of the following:
            DC loses out or
            DC loses one AND
                Blitz gain 215 points on DC or
            Buttheads lose out or
            Buttheads lose one AND
                Blitz gain 191 points on Buttheads or
            Punchers lose out or
            Punchers lose one AND
                Blitz gain 136 points on Punchers
            Additional possibilities exist, but require
            more help from other teams

Pokeys      They employ Voodoo dolls...
                               Aelyn likes dolls (hmm)

GiMets      They make a pact with Satan

* Teams control their own destiny. They don’t need any help
  to make the playoffs.

** For point separation to become an issue at least one of
   the 7-5 teams needs to win out. Current point lead is
   based on the highest scoring 7-5 team, the Misfits. If
   the Misfits lose one of their last two, points to give
   increase by 44 for Blitz. Other possibilities exist for
   the Pokeys and GiMets to get involved in the points
   scenarios, but we’re talking plagues of locusts sort of
   stuff having to happen.

[Gadiantor]

#4 Serith’s Christ Punchers VS #2 Liathano’s Discovery Channel

For the second week in a row we were treated to a 200+ point shootout, but the steaks were much bigger this week. For the second time this season it was the Punchers (9-4) over DC (8-5), this time by a margin of 109.53 to 105.58. The win was huge for the Punchers who could secure a second cede in the playoffs with a win next week. DC is comfortably in third, and should secure that cede with a win next week.

#1 Falix’s PowderPuffs VS #5 Deokoria’s Misfits

The Puffs (11-2) just keep rolling as they beat the Misfits (7-6) by a score of 75.80 to 39.42. The win gives the Puffs the first cede in the playoffs, while the Misfits fall to eighth.

#6 Isaviel’s Blitzat1 VS #11 Wrent’s Lucky Bitches

With their playoff hopes on the line the Blitz (8-5) came up big, recording an 85.45 to 51.17 pasting of the Bitches (3-10). The win puts the Blitz in fifth and keeps them in the playoff hunt, while the loss puts the Bitches back in DFL.

#7 Pyryth’s Pokeys VS #3 Vin’s Buttheads

The Pokeys (7-6) gave the Blitz and early Christmas present by upsetting the bungling Buttheads (8-5) 97.04 to 46.16. Their second loss in as many weeks has seen the Buttheads fall to fourth, where they desperately cling to the last playoff spot.

#9 Drasoini’s Shellshock VS #8 Xenoroyal’s New York GiMets

The Shock (4-9) couldn’t even cover the spread against the GiMets (7-6). With the 66.23 to 34.84 win, the GiMets keep their dream of a playoff spot alive, but it is on life support, and the city just lost power. I think we have just over five days of power from the back-up generator, so we know when to expect the flatline.

#10 Gadiantor’s Gridiron Gorians VS DFL Sebboe’s Seizuredogs

The Dogs (3-10) came up big against the Gorians (3-10), 70.12 to 53.14. Two of the three Dogs victories this season have been against the Gorians, which says a lot about both teams...Even the great Lock of the Week wasn’t enough to save the Gorians from their abysmal season.

[Gadiantor]

#4 Vin’s Buttheads (8-5) VS #8 Deokoria’s Misfits (7-6)

If the Buttheads they’re in, if they lose they need help. After getting abused two weeks in a row Buttheads fans have to be sweating as they face the Misfits. We’re calling the Misfits by 10, and heartbreak for Buttheads fans everywhere.

#5 Isaviel’s Blitzat1 (8-5) VS #7 Xenoroyal’s New York GiMets (7-6)

The only realistic chance the Blitz have at making the playoffs is to win and get some help. The GiMets aren’t going to make the first goal easy, but we predict the Blitz will pull it out with at least 5 points to spare.

#3 Liathano’s Discovery Channel (8-5) VS #9 Drasoini’s Shellshock (4-9)

DC could drop out of the playoffs if they lose, but they have about 350 more points on the season than the Shock. DC by 40!

#2 Serith’s Christ Punchers (9-4) VS #10 Gadiantor’s Gridiron Gorians (3-10)

The hex on the Gorians cannot be broken. Punchers by 20.

#1 Falix’s PowderPuffs (11-2) VS #11 Sebboe’s Seizuredogs (3-10)

The Puffs are unstoppable, Puffs by 50 and our Lock of the Week!

#6 Pyryth’s Pokeys (7-6) VS DFL Wrent’s Lucky Bitches (3-10)

We call Pokeys by 20 in an almost meaningless game. The Pokeys would need a lot of help to make the playoffs, and they just aren’t going to get it.

[Gadiantor]

Team        Makes Playoffs if...

Puffs       Clinched first Cede!

Punchers*   Clinched playoff spot**
            Clinches second cede by beating Gorians
            

DC*         Beat Shock

Buttheads*  Beat Misfits

Blitz       Beat GiMets AND 
                one of the following:
            Shock beat DC or
            Misfits beat Buttheads
            Additional possibilities exist, but since our
            statisticians are stuffed in a locker we won’t
            go into them.

Pokeys      Misfits beat Buttheads AND
            Pokeys gain 43 points on Buttheads AND
            GiMets beat Blitz
            Additional possibilities exist, but since our
            statisticians are stuffed in a locker we won’t
            go into them.

GiMets      They make a pact with Satan

Misfits     They make a pact with Satan AND
            Rescue the statisticians from the locker

* Teams control their own destiny. They don’t need any help
  to make the playoffs.

** Our statisticians pointed out that while this statement
   has a very high probability of being true, there is a
   very remote possibility that it could be proved wrong.
   We promptly gave them wedgies and stuffed their geeky
   asses in the nearest locker.

[Pyryth]

Originally posted by Gadiantor

Team        Makes Playoffs if...

Pokeys      They employ Voodoo dolls...
                               Aelyn likes dolls (hmm)


 Other possibilities exist for
   the Pokeys and GiMets to get involved in the points
   scenarios, but we’re talking plagues of locusts sort of
   stuff having to happen.

Hah! I'm back in the playoff hunt after liberal use of my Jake Plummer Voodoo doll. This coming weekend I intend to add my Matt Hasselback doll to the mix in order to assure I pick up the needed 44 points against the point spread with the Buttheads.


Of course this leaves Blitzat between me and the number 4 spot in the standings. This is where I will be calling in plagues of locusts, hordes of frogs, and turning rivers into blood. I am owed a favor from a minor diety of the fifth plane and I think I can make it happen.