Happy Earth Day!

[Solmyr]

Thought long and hard where to put this. Decided this is the best forum.

Happy Earth Day!

Today, Americans across the nation gather at their parks, beaches, and fern bars to observe Earth Day, the neo-Pagan holiday that drives right-wing nature-haters straight up the wall.

I have big plans for the next few days myself. Tomorrow, I will be attending a Wiccan baptism; a week-long ceremony which is far more enlightened than its Christian equivelent, as the infant is brought gently into the Craft rather than brutally tossed into a river.

On the first day, typically the last Sabatday (Sarturday) in April, the Coven meets in a sylvan setting and forms a large prayer circle. The child rests upon a bed of laurel and hyacinth, and an amethyst is passed over his aura to absorb any negative energy. Great care is taken in choosing the proper sized crystal, as one too small will inadequately cleanse the child's aura, and one too large can suck his chakra right out his asshole.

Once the baby has been freed off all negative energy, everyone in the coven smokes a ton of grass and goes home.

The next day, the child is returned to the same bed of laurel where his seven chakras are rotated, alligned, and checked for proper air pressure. The Coven Priestess then completely disrobes and invokes the Goddess Chlamydia, calling to the heavens:

"I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the mystery of the waters, call unto thy soul: Arise, and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature, who gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return; and before My face, beloved of gods and of men, let thine innermost divine self be enfolded in the rapture of the infinite."

At this, everyone smokes some more grass and goes home.

On the third day, lavender incense is lit and a sacred moonstone is placed upon the child's belly button to symbolize the Eye of the Universe, and to keep in the little pixies. The infant is then gently placed inside the Sacred Soundproof Box, where he remains while the coven explores the art of physical and spiritual love as passed down from the Ancient Celts.

After the sheep are returned to the farm, everyone smokes a shitload of grass and goes home.

For the following four days, the brat stays at home and everybody just shows up to smoke grass and screw. But on the second night of the first new moon before the Summer Solstice, the child is returned to the same spot where he received his spiritual cleansing. A pentacle is drawn upon his belly with garlic oil, and an amulet of limburger cheese is placed around his neck. The Priestess officially welcomes the child into The Coven with three loud quacks in honor of Daisye, the Duck Goddess, and then everyone inhales from the Sacred Bong of Samhain and goes home.

Now I'm sure some of my more intolerant readers will mock and ridicule these practices, although I personally don't find them anymore ridiculous than the Christian concept of dining on saltine crackers and Boone's Berry Farm to symbolize the cannabilistic consumption of Christ. Nonetheless, I will wish you all a happy Earth Day, and may the Goddess bless you with Sacred Cookies from her Divine Orifice.

[drasoini]

Wow, just...yeah, that's wrong on so many levels.

[Aristotle]

I think this was an obvious gag to make fun of Wiccans.

Of course, I have no problem with that.

Making fun of any religion or pseudo-religion is pretty much always fine with me.

[drasoini]

Well of course, if I thought it was serious I'd be out in the streets searching for ways to join.

If you can't mock something, then it isn't doing the job it is supposed to. Everyone cannot agree on everything, if you try to please everyone you're spreading yourself WAY too thin. Take your line and stick to it.

(This article is still just wrong. Funny, but wrong.)