Where have all the nice guys gone?

Found this when trolling the interbuttz.

Quote:

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What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

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I'm sure a lot of people can empathize with this guy, and I'm sure just as many think it's a load of shit. I think I'll let others weigh in before I have a crack at it.

In a way, I can empathize with him, but I firmly disagree with many things he wrote there.

You can either be a nice guy who is nice all-around, and no woman will change that fact, or you are nice to impress the girl, which in this case, assuming you "won" her, you might stop being Mr. Nice Guy because you have achieved what you wanted.

If this guy was a nice person and a woman changed that - I pity his lack of character. The strength of a person is to stand by what you believe in regardless of what other people think of it.

The whole point of this letter was to say "women don't know what they want from themselves" and while this might be true for some, it is not true for all. In addition, it goes the other way around as well; the main difference being most girls thinking it is beneath their level to hit on a guy they are interested in, so usually you'd end up seeing Mr. Nice Guy and not Ms. Nice Girl, and that does not mean women in general are not as nice as men.

I used to be that guy. It sucked!!

I heard all's fair in love and war.

Yeah, it can suck to feel like you're a nice guy getting the shaft. But sometimes the "nice guy" is rejected because he's creepy, annoyingly insecure or just a whiny pussy. Whining on the internet doesn't help.

I almost hesitated to post something since I'm a girl but I figured I might anyways.

Sad thing is, a lot of what he said was/is right. Being a girl who did pass up the nice guy who probably would have been right for me.. and was probably my biggest regret in life to date. And every guy I dated was, indeed, a huge asshole.

But I do not completely agree with the rest of it, especially the more bitter parts. Nothing is ever really that simple. Sometimes it is more of a case of not wanting to ruin a great friendship, in my case I really did consider him a brother but over time grew more attached to him in other ways. By that time he was dating my best friend who hurt him ultimately. If I could go back in time and snatch him up, I would. He won't even talk to me now. :(

Some of us really have grown up and really do want a nice guy in their life. I tried to find one and thought I did... but sometimes the nice guys aren't as nice as they pretend to be either.

P.S. And if he is doing all the nice things just to get the girl to put out... well... enough said.

My wife and I *are* best friends in life, and neither of us would want it any other way. I know couldn't get into a long-term, committed, love relationship with someone I couldn't be great friends with.

Sixteen years and still going strong!:star

Kerrin, that's awesome!

Speaking for the girls, some really do want the nice guy and knowing exactly what they want, refuse to settle for anything less. That's how I ended up with Pae and I've got no regrets on that score.

Probably why there isn't some bitter tirade floating around on the internet, written by me. :)

The only problem is when women cannot see that a guy cna just be friends, without wanting sex, without a creepy hidden agenda. Of course guys don't make it easy by often having creepy other agendas or just wanting sex.

However, that said, the actual crap that was written there was trite and not what a real friend would write. A friend might be disappointed that a platonic relationship comes to an end but with lines like, 'You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy.'

WTF?

This guy is a whining fucktard. He is not a friend. he is the poisonous little shit that can only dream of a real relationship and TRIES to be a friend because that's as close as they will ever come.

There are plenty of nice guys out there, but the author of the note wouldn't know, being as far away from nice as it's possible to get.

What a fucking whiny, creepy fucktard.

I've long said that women in their 20's base their self-worth on which guy they are with and then, as tehy get older and become successful in their careers, or whatever else they are pursuing, their sense of self-worth shifts from the value of their guy to their own accomplishments. So as a woman hits 30 and beyond they do start looking for the nice guy. Someone who might not be the stud with the fancy car. Rather a companion to share their accomplishments with.

Of course women like to have fun too. And if you're having fun, you will make others around you have fun. And if a woman enjoys being around you, a relationship is bound to follow.

So why is the article right? Because that "other" guy the writer talked about, the asshole, well, he got her attention. He made her laugh. He had fun while the writer sat at home complaining about assholes. I've been there. We've all been there.

And why is the article wrong? Well, Bill Gates, in addressing the employees of his fledgling company at the time, said: "Are you willing to do what you have to do to get what you want?"

I thought that was a rather great quote. Was the writer willing to hold her door just because....AND tell her that dirty joke that would make her laugh for 2 minutes straight? Would he buy her that gift she mentioned 5 months ago...AND slam 6 shits of Tequila on a dare?

No. He wouldn't. Because he's a pansy.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Gromgor
I've long said that women in their 20's base their self-worth on which guy they are with and then, as tehy get older and become successful in their careers, or whatever else they are pursuing, their sense of self-worth shifts from the value of their guy to their own accomplishments. So as a woman hits 30 and beyond they do start looking for the nice guy. Someone who might not be the stud with the fancy car. Rather a companion to share their accomplishments with.

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That's probably a good assessment, though sometimes it turns into a point where the woman has been abused by all the wrong men for so long that they start looking for someone who can and will take care of them and treat them like more than just an affixed booty call.

Meh.

Suck your thumb and die, baby.

I've been both the nice guy and the asshole.

As the nice guy I actually scored a couple of dates and was told that I was "the sweetest guy" she ever went out with. In the end she decided to date an asshole, and he did cheat on her. While I was disappointed I wasn't the one boning her, I never felt bitter. I stayed friends with her, but never went out with her again and started looking for a more receptive target from my affections. When I found out the asshole cheated on her I didn't feel vindicated, I felt bad for her. I continued to be a nice guy and dated and had friends with benefits and had other girls choose assholes over me.

Of course I am a man, so I've been an asshole too. I started dating a girl and one of her best friends (a guy) kept giving me the evil eye whenever I saw him. Additionally, he'd tell her what an asshole I was and that she could do better. I told her that I thought he liked her, but she said they were 'just friends' and all that. Well, as she started spending more time with me and less with him he finally grew some balls and told her how he felt. I told her I'd understand completely if she wanted to give him a chance, they had been friends for a long time and I wouldn't have faulted her for wondering if she would better off with him. Being the asshole I was sure the nice guy had no chance, and if she wanted to give him a shot it would free me up to explore some other opportunities while she made up her mind. Despite my very sincere willingness to move out of this nice guys way she said she never had any romantic interest in him and we kept dating. I did eventually cheat on her...sort of, I think we were technically on a break, but whatever, I was the asshole.

Having been on both sides, my advice to nice guys: There are plenty of fish in the sea. Getting rejected can suck, so feel shitty for a little while and get over it. Hell, use the sympathy to bag one of the chicks hot friends! The major difference between nice guy and creep is the ability to move on...and the ability to make a move at the right time, waiting until your dream girl is dating an asshole isn't the time to let your feelings be known. Nice guys still have balls. Creeps just sabotage themselves so they can blame everyone else for their inability to deliver the sausage to tuna town.

I can honestly say I married the nicest guy I ever met. Even though I didnt have him long, the good times we shared over those two years still make me smile ten years later.

Behold: the power of 'Nice Guys'.

I'm a firm believer in being a "good cunt".

Be a good guy to those who deserve it, be a cunt to those who deserve it.

I pretty much echo Rilthyn's sentiment.

<soapbox>

Life is a great balancing act. If you decide to be someone's friend, just be their friend, simple enough.

Friendship should not be considered based on whether you are going to get action out of it or not. It should be based on whether you think they will reciporocate your respect or whatever.

As parralel, you shouldn't try and be everyone's friend, because that never works either. There is nothing wrong with being as pleasant as possible, but face reality.

Of course, being a hypocrite, I believe friends with 'benefits' is awesome if it's not 'needy'.

</soapbox>

I am a huge advocate of tactful honesty, even if it hurts feelings on the short-term. I have made my love of honesty known for as long as I can remember, in both friendships and relationships. Sadly, I guess, people don't take me seriously.

Be yourself. Be the best you that you can be.

If someone doesn't like you for that, pretending to be someone else is not going to change things in the long-run. And if you have specific feelings for someone,you have to be honest about that, too, lest you waste years of your own or someone else's time.

If people would just be honest, there'd be a lot less bitter tirades by both assholes and nice guys.

This thread reminded me of this:

http://www.xkcd.com/513/